I don't know why I didn't make a journal here, people probably actually read THESE journals since no one seems to read mine. to you who do, I appreciate the fact that you understand that a LOT of questions get answered before they're even asked.
so, as mentioned in my journal, my website is down as of three months from when I had them suspend it. YES, it was ME who made the decision, but unfortunately they could only give me three months without deleting everything. I estimate it should be back around august 5th.
the reason is that, because of my financial crisis, yes, crisis, I had to cut out the least important expenses. the problem is, the website is still very important to me, and I know it's important to you too. *sigh* to y'all who're still in school and live lives you think is horrible, life gets worse. I'm not gonna sugar coat it and be all like, "it's better and easier when you're an adult!" no, it's not. only upper class gets it easy. but even if you're mid-upper class, you're gonna struggle.
you may think I'm being negative, but you know what, I HAD prepared for this day because I saw my parents go through it. I said "I don't want to be like them," so I started saving early and was quite stingy with my money. then... and I blame myself, not you guys, xmas before last, I sent xmas presents to MANY of you, and I didn't exactly follow my stingy ways. I admit I should not have spent so much and simply sent cards like I did last xmas, but I wanted to show that I really cared because I kept being accused of a selfish liar who only cared about herself. yeah, well, I may not be selfish, but there are times when you DO need to think about yourself, and that was one of those times. I made a poor decision, and I am paying for it.
"they say money isn't everything, but I'd like to see you live without it."
"Reitanna, why don't you have a new job?" something happened to be in the last few month of working at walgreens while I was getting mentally harassed by one of the assistant managers. it gotso bad, I had to take a leave of absence and was required to go to therapy that was provided by the company. "Reitanna, didn't you do something about it?" we tried, even my boss, but the part that kicks my ass is the fact that it was all verbal, and the security cameras don't record audio. it wasn't enough that EVERYONE hated the manager, even customers, but the down side to employee protection is that it's TOO stable and people take advantage of it.
I don't know what triggered it, I don't know WHEN it was triggered, but the day I quit my job, my minor agoraphobia I've had all my life grew exponentially. all my life I'd try to make excuses not to leave the house, not to talk to people, and I couldn't even gather the bravery to order for myself at a restaurant until I was 14. I tried, though, I indeed went out with friends as often as possible because of what I had waiting at home. it grew a little bigger when I was a teen in certain situations, and that's why I could NEVER go anywhere without a friend. if at the mall, I had to make sure someone was within sight. I even would cling to them if a large number of people were close.
but I was having fun going out with friends, I had a great time at yaoi-con and anime expo. I loved going to the mall and all that shit. so between 1 and 10, 10 being the highest level, my agoraphobia fluctuated between 1 and 2. it'd get bad in certain situations where I didn't have a choice to be with people I trusted, like "family" events and outings, but otherwise, I was doing great. my job at walgreens also really helped me socialize better and realize that not EVERYONE on earth is evil.
but you can only take so much, and during the days the harassment got worse, so did I, and the day I quit was the day EVERYTHING turned around, and I mean everything. and fear of death or pain was GONE, even the phobia of needles I've had ALL MY LIFE. being cut on the finger tips still makes me kinda woozy, but I think that's because my sense of touch there is quite sensitive. I'm not going to lie, if mike had gone to vegas that day like he was supposed to, I wouldn't be here. but god seems to have other plans for me, so mike was home. bully. "stop being negative." sorry.
I honestly didn't mean to go on a tangent, but the reason I can't get another job is because something snapped, and now I'm terrified of the outside world. it's bad enough that I still have to go grocery shopping or the doctor, but if there's a way to avoid it, I avoid it. I even keep my phone turned off 24/7.
"why aren't you making stuff for etsy?" honestly? a few reasons: I feel that it's not good enough, I haven't had much inspiration for crafts, and um... well, you need money to make stuff to make money. funny how the world works, huh? fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck.
I honestly can't say "I hate my life," because I do have a plethora of VERY good things in my life, including you guys. I can say, "I hate the factors of life." some of you may say "get over it," and that's why I'm keeping out a lot of details, because people don't like what they don't want to hear. I let my heart out to my friends on the deep web because THEY won't judge me or think I'm messed up. I probably said enough here to attract the many trolls that watch the group and my DA for the sheer purpose of waiting for me to slip up, kinda like paparazzi do to celebrities who usually are good people. get one pic of them in the middle of a blink, and they're drunk off their ass.
wow, that was a long explanation for why my website is down... sorry 'bout that. but if I'm lucky, i'll be able to fund it after a couple months. if you truly want to help, you may donate here:
and don't be like that one person and accuse me of begging, because there are plenty of people who ask to donate to them and their websites. the site where the slender games were able to be downloaded? asked for donations. but this isn't "donate or i'll be super sad." no, this is YOUR decision, and I'm not gonna judge anyone for anything... except accusing me of the previous statement. those of you who have faith in my honesty know, okay? I'm upset, and anyone in my situation would be. I'm human.
allow me to give a bit of positivity. tacos. ole.